Everything Had Gone Downhill for Months

Sarah left months ago.
Couldn’t get out of the funk.
Nothing made sense.
A note for his brother.
The metal taste of the gun.
Pressure on the trigger.
Phone.
Hello.
Fred, it’s Margie, I’ve been meaning to call since Sarah…well, left. How are you?
Great.
Would you like to come over?
Now?
Yes.
Ah, sure.

Adrift and Paddling in Sea of Angst

May I help you son? the bearded man asked.
You?
I’m God.
Oh, the all powerful one?
You’ve heard of me. Reborn?
No. Go away.
My son, don’t you want my help?
No. Leave.
A huge big white grabbed God and bit him in half.
Thanks, Flipper. Can’t seem to get away from that guy.

At the Bar His 8th Double Scotch

He knew he was going to die. Nothing could save him. The hell with it. No hope. Wait for it to happen.
The bright white light: finally he was crossing over.
Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones.
He looked up at the domed light of a trauma bay.
What happened?
You fell off the bar stool.

Why Did it Happen Like This?

At the foot of his bed.
Perfect.
Flawless.
Nude except for the pink panties that she shrugged off and tossed to him.
Afterwards, he couldn’t believe it.
Something gnawed at the edge of his consciousness. Didn’t go away.
Fuck. The alarm.
Another dream.
Legs over the side of the bed.
On the floor, pink panties.

His Third Marriage Had Just Ended

Favorite bar, concerned friends trying to cheer him up.
“Fuck it. Never again. No fuckin’ babes. Period.”
They all looked at each other.
Many drinks later.
“Hey, who’s the chick with the big tits?”
He staggered over to the bar. Two hours later they left.
“Where are you?”
“Las Vegas.”
“Why?”
“I think I’m married.”

Father, Please Hear My Confession

The nun, 23, in full habit, knelt and lowered her head.
Father, bless me for I have sinned. I only prayed 22 hours today.
Well, my child, that is truly some sin.
Say twenty Hail Marys, fifteen Our Fathers, and give me four you-know-whats.
Oh, Father. Four.
OK, what the hell. How about one.

A Rocky Courtship and Rockier Marriage

“Divorce? “
“Over my dead body.”
“Honey, have a special surprise for you tonight. Don’t be late.”
Candlelight filled the house.
“Wanda.”
Thigh-high stockings, high heels. Nothing else.
Two bottles of his favorite wine.
He grabbed his chest and fell to the floor.
“Help me.”
She smiled. “Over my dead body. Remember?”

The Car Key: Last Key to Life

His grandmother would be found crying, terrified, no idea where she was.
He had wondered; we all end up there?
The lot at work. So many cars on Sunday? His coworkers said it’s Friday.
Headed home, no landmarks.
Days later his office gets a call: he’s crying, terrified, lost; business card has your number.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Believe that?
Universal Law.
Example?
Met you.
And?
You know.
What was going around that caused you to meet me?
Jim dumped me.
That caused you to meet me?
Yes.
If he hadn’t dumped you, you wouldn’t have met me?
Exactly.
How do you know?
What goes around, comes around.
Your logic is awe inspiring.

War With Canada?

George, sure you want to declare war with Canada?
Let’s kick some butt. Bring it on!
George, you’re a fucking moron.
OK. What should I do?
George, our troops are exhausted; are to the breaking point; equipment is worn out; have no reserves. Canada would win.
Dang. I got it. Declare war on Rhode Island.

Bring It On!

Bring it on! He kept repeating.
George, what’re doing staring into the mirror?
Practicing.
Practicing what?
Bring it on.
Bring what on?
A smile, We’re going to war.
War is serious; our young men and women will be taken from their families. Troops will die.
Yeah, I know.
Back to the mirror. Bring it on!

Going to War With Canada

Dick, going to war with Canada.
George, what the hell you talking about?
Iraq ain’t going all that good. Need a diversion.
George, are you crazy? How in the hell can you do that?
WMD, Dick. WMD.
Won’t work again.
It will.
OK, your source?
SNL.
George, that’s a comedy program.
Yep, same as us.

The Adjuster

Who are you?
Adjuster.
Have no insurance claim.
The Adjuster.
What?
I right wrongs.
Why are you here?
An adjustment is needed. The wallet you found and kept.
Jesus Christ! How did you know?
Not here for that; the young lady you raped? She killed herself yesterday.
The body was found three weeks later.

Preacher, Heal Thyself

The gun gained entrance to the room.
What do you want?
Ask why you’ve scammed millions with your fake healings.
Money?
No.
What do you want?
Told you.
Hand to chest, he collapsed on the bed. Medicine, he gasped, pointing to a bottle.
The man smiled; eased into a chair; got comfortable.
Heal thyself, asshole.

Crossing Over

Ladies’ room. He locked the door.
Who are you?
Your helper.
Don’t know you.
Know my family. Told them my baby sister was alive. She wasn’t. You’ve harmed many families.
Voice cracking, I try my best. It’s difficult.
You’d do better if you crossed over.
What? she shrieked.
The gun roared.
And, Sylvia crossed over.

The Long Wait

Threadbare tuxedo; long mane of gray hair.
Boxes and magazines stacked, except the immaculate dinning room; table set for eight; a barely recognizable wedding cake centered.
The stranger, quietly asked, What are you doing?
Waiting.
For?
My bride.
How long?
38 years.
Sad news, sir. She’s dead.
Eyes misting, Guess my wait will be longer.

A Cold Drink on a Hot day

Out of gas, 95 degrees, he trudged along the country road.
The man with the aviator sunglasses invited the salesman to his home. Seated him on the porch; soon returned with a pitcher of iced purple liquid.
Salesman gulped three glasses.
Good Kool-Aid.
Yes, the man smiled; held out his hand.
Welcome, I’m Jim Jones.

Not Exactly Perfect

They’d been inseparable for six months.
Getting married soon.
Tonight taking her to meet his parents.
He loved her, trusted her completely; though her reluctance to talk about her distant past caused him concern.
Mom, Dad, this is Rebecca.
They leaped off the sofa.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, his dad shouted.
That’s your sister.

Just my Luck!

Forty, shy, ordinary, dateless six years, given up.
Come here often?
Movie-star beautiful.
Stammering, Ah, yes, I like libraries.
So do I.
Her foot touched his leg.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
She rushed him to the motel next door.
Afterwards, When can I see you again?
Anytime you want; $500 please.

Things Ain’t Always What They Seem

He’d promised Helen he’d tell his wife so they could be together.
Dreaming.
Woke with a start; Helen snuggled next to him.
He’d done it.
Arms around her; he eased back to sleep.
Someone shook him.
Fred, get up you’ll be late for work.
Eyes snapped open; he stared into the face of his wife.

Now Ain’t the Time for Suicide

He’d kill himself, if she left.
She left.
He cried; yelled; screamed.
A letter to his brother, trying to explain.
Soon, his hands flew over the keyboard.
He smiled.
Felt lighter; relief.
Fuck her, he thought.
Two days later he finished.
Don’t Kill Yourself, sold 10,000,000 copies.
He had fame, money, and bunches of babes.

Almost a Winner

Last race of the season.

Championship close.

Last lap.

Had to pass Smith just ahead.

Would cinch it.

Had to.

This was it.

Last chance.

Along side.

Corner coming up.

Engine howling.

Almost there.

Smith moving over.

Didn’t see me.

My yelling not heard.

Tumbling end over end.

Silence.

Hmmm.

Who are you?

Saint Peter.

A Bummer of a Wedding Night

God’s will demanded that they remain chaste until their wedding night.
For two years they did.
The wedding day was a whirlwind of activity with over 500 guests.
Finally, John thought, as he closed the door to the presidential suite and drew Mary close. Finally.
John, Honey. Would it upset you if I’m a guy?

The Chiropractor......

Hi. Where’ve you been?
Carl, my chiropractor.
Back pain?
No, gastrointestinal problems.
A chiropractor?
He treats me for everything. He’s like a regular doctor. He’s wonderful.
What happened today? Did he help you?
He sold me seven supplements and thirteen herbs.
Are you better? Fix the problem?
I have diarrhea.
Oh.

I’m a Psychic… No You’re Not!

I held the deck out to her.
Pick a card.
She did.
It’s the ten of clubs.
It’s a trick.
No, I’m psychic.
You aren’t.
How do you know?
Because you aren’t. That’s a trick.
How do know a psychic’s not tricking you?
Because they’re psychic.
How do you know?
Because they say so.

She Hates Me

Great day, I thought as I headed home from Barnes & Noble. She was waiting for me….
Weather was perfect.
Let’s go for a walk I suggested.
Back home, I headed for the bedroom and she for the kitchen.
Later, headed to the kitchen, I found the den riddled with poop.
That dog hates me.

Talk to an Angel

Be back in awhile.
Where’re you going?
Talk to an angel.
An angel?
Yes, only $35.
Where’s the angel?
Coming from Richmond.
How do you know he’s an angel?
Said he was.
Oh. Why does he charge if he’s an angel?
Don’t know.
How much to talk to Jesus?
That’s not funny.
Sadly, I know.

The Marriage Ceremony

A handful of immediate family members. A marriage commissioner who came to their home.
The ceremony was touching; delivered with passion and emotion; not what they’d expected.
They ignored the vows and put them aside.
Marriage went to hell.
They divorced.
The commissioner did his job: they didn’t do theirs.

The Cabin Babe

He found a wonderful cabin deep in the mountains. A lovers’ paradise.
There’s some kind of rule that a guy can’t go to a cabin without a babe.
He found a babe. It was bliss.
They married.
It became not bliss.
They divorced.
That rule needs to be rewritten.

Not A Good Way to Save Money

Everyone asked why he was going to marry her. He told them, We’ll be able to use the AAA family plan and save money. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. After the divorce, he realized he should have paid a little more in money, less costly than what he paid in mental anguish.